Fighting my place into the world

The world is a big space. We live together with billions of people on this planet. We don’t know most people, while we get in contact with others through our (voluntary) work.

Photo by Laurenz Kleinheider on Unsplash

I think that in this (digital) world, we expect everyone to be perfect. But at the same time, perfect doesn’t exist. What you think is perfect is not perfect for someone else. These differences in perception could be the source of big discussions that will lead nowhere. You can talk about those issues for a long time. Do we ever reach consensus about the term perfect? Or are we ever getting close to what’s being perfect? I don’t think we are!

I think about this subject a lot in the last few years. It makes me feel uncomfortable. At the same; I have to let myself feel what I feel. I have to know why I feel it and maybe do something about it. Or just feel that feeling.

It makes me sad too. Things I imagined in my childhood, that would be perfect in my head, aren’t perfect. It’s just a fantasy, I think. A fantasy about how I think the world should be, how life should be or how I want the world to look like. This imaginary picture all fell down in pieces.

Things happened in my life of which I wasn’t aware of at the moment they happened and only now I start to realize this and think about them. I have no trust in human beings anymore. People let me down! I also let down myself: I let people in I shouldn’t let in, in the first place. But I was too stupid. I didn’t know how to live my life. I was focused on surviving rather than living, I think. Fortunately, my life has changed: I have left many things behind and I am in the process of refocusing others.

Photo by Robin Spielmann on Unsplash

Why does it make me sad? I think because all that I’ve imagined isn’t true. I thought, as a little child, that everybody is kind in the same way, has the same interests and is just like me. When you get older, you realize that’s not true. Everyone is different. Others react differently in the same situations or see the same situations from another perspective.

The first day I realized that others have perceptions and values in life; I was about 6 or 7, maybe 8 years old. It was the very moment that people (mostly my classmates) were bullying me. In the first weeks, I thought it’d go away within a few days. But it stayed for the rest of my school years, both at primary school and secondary school.

I always make things bigger in my head than the reality is. I always think people do or say things to me because they maybe think I want to hear it. In these days, I don’t know anymore if people liked me or pretended they liked me and let me down for their own benefits in certain situations.

I’m tired of those people pretending they like me, only for their own benefits. People always think about themselves. What other people think or do doesn’t matter anymore. It is a selfish world today, especially, with all the digital possibilities today. I pledge myself guilty too, but I share my life and thoughts on the Internet as a diary for myself to reflect on my feelings to get better in the future. I don’t care how many likes I have/get on posts.

I think this digital media is giving us more anxious feelings than ever before. We can/will compare us to others and downwards ourselves more than actually needed. We see how beautiful the life of others is, what they’re doing and where they stay. We all want to live a beautiful life and it hurts when you can’t do such things. This is why I don’t care about how many likes or comments I get.

Photo by Elijah O'Donnell on Unsplash

So, I decided to use social media as my online diary (for myself). It helps me be myself a bit more in real life because what keeps me busy in my mind is off my shoulders. Yes, I can write an offline diary, but I also want to share photos. But at the same time do you always need to be online to share your personal life? I think I don’t need to share, but I want to share, as I love that. Personally, I don’t compare to others, but I just want to share. People always tell me to watch out what I am writing. They tell me everything will be used against me. However, I’m not using any names if it’s not necessary or if it will hurt other people. I am only using general sentences to express my emotions.

There are three things to keep in mind when you share online. Do you share for yourself, because you want to, just as a means to express your feelings? Or do you share, because you want to show off your life to let others know you’re having a better life than them? Or do you share online because you want to send a message to the world? That’s what I try to figure out when sharing my thoughts, photo’s or anything else online.

I’m still finding my place in the world, both in real life and online. Yes, I also want to be loved like everyone else in the world. There are also people who love themselves too much that they negatively affect other lovely human beings. That’s a shame. Because those harmless people just trying to be themselves every day will lose faith in the world, especially their trust in people and people’s behaviour. They don’t know whom to trust and they doubt any form of action of people, even from the good people. They get panic attacks sometimes or any other form of inside (mental) illnesses.

Photo by Kat J on Unsplash

At my primary school, there were people who had too much confidence than others. They found themselves perfect and much better persons than other people. They did bad things to other people who didn’t have that much confidence, like me. They knew where to get me, and what to do to let me feel so miserable, as I felt at that time.

Photo by Bruno Bergher on Unsplash

In those days, I thought I was a failure in every aspect of life. I still have that feeling occasionally and then I say to myself I’m worth nothing.

Now I know more than that. Now I know that I am an existing person with my own unique feelings, mind and opinions. Just like everyone else, I have the right to exist on this planet and say what I want.

Sometimes I still get those feelings again. And it feels so bad. Then I feel so sad that I feel pain in my chest and stomach. It literary hurts. I feel the pain so deep then, that I feel it within my body. I shake when I feel what I feel and then I have to stop all my activities and think about what I feel or just feel what I feel.

In my 31 years of existence on earth, I realized there is so much shit on earth we having to cope with. People who want to boost their own ego and don’t care about others, what others feel and what they think. We are too busy with everything. People think only about themselves and want things that make them bigger. If that doesn’t happen, they get angry. We also have to deal with all the solutions for the worlds or personal problems we might not agree with. But we have to deal with it and make this planet a better place to live. Sometimes that makes me sad or even angry too.

I try to give my emotions and thoughts on situations/solutions some space in my heart. I try to be happier in what I do and (re)think why I am doing things the way I do. One day is better than the other day, but not every day is the same. Sometimes crying helps me get through it. The pain is not describable. But I try to feel it then. The pain you can’t see, but the scar and wound are inside and very deep. Well, I’ll try to cope with all the emotions I have and give it some space in my system. Most of the time, the emotions come suddenly and hit me like a ball in my face. It feels empty as well.

One of my remedies is playing the violin, paint, write or do anything else creative (which I love to do very much). Then I smile a lot, it gives me some peace with my inner self and it makes my day. I also think more then I do normally, as a way to cope with pain.

Lately, I’m going to the beach as well sometimes. It gives me the peace I need for myself. Looking through the ocean, feet in the light sand, walking over the beach where I can think about myself, about life, friends, situations and what I want to do and achieve in life, my life, as well; and that list is too long. I don’t know if I’ll ever achieve all the things I would like to achieve.

Lots of time I ask myself why I’m part of the world. Why do I exist? What is my purpose in (my) life? What is my purpose on earth? What do I want to know and what do I already know? Can I do something to make other people happy? Do I have to make other people happy? Or do I want or do I need to make other people happy? These questions do get in my head a lot.

I also ask myself how I would have been in a previous life and what happens if I come back after my death. I still have no answers to those questions. Can I or will I ever answer those questions? I don’t think I can, because I haven’t been in the past and I can’t go into the future. I do want though… But that’s difficult I think. I can only stimulate my fantasy. But I do feel I have been something in the past or will be something in the future.

Photo by Khachik Simonian on Unsplash

Most of the time I let me lead my life by others. I know I shouldn’t do this, but because of what happened in my life, I thought that others know what is better for me. What opinions are best for me to have. I just thought others would know what’s best for me and I did not. Because I have let others decide for me in the past, I don’t have my own opinion about things/situations. It’s getting there now, but I always have to be aware that I am my own person and that I may say what I want to say.

In the last few years, I realized I want to be a person too with my own opinions. But it was — and still is — very difficult for me to say what I really want, what I really want to do, how I feel and what I think. I was afraid of other people’s reactions and that my mind wasn’t the right one and that I wasn’t allowed to shine. Now I teach myself to speak up, based on what’s in my mind, how I feel and how I think.

I also realized that my opinions are right too. No matter what I think or feel. That everyone has his or her own thoughts. Including me! I always thought that my thoughts don’t matter and that my opinions are always wrong. Now, I know, after some therapy, that my opinions DO matter. There are so many opinions and all do matter. It’s what we all do with our opinions. We have to learn to cope with each other and listen respectfully to the thoughts of others.

Mother, wife. journalist, painting, violin. See my links:

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