Crying helps me get through my emotions

When you live your life, there are aspects of life that are too negative.

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People are mean, people give mean comments about your clothes, your hair or (other) looks, your hobbies or when your you’re a celebrity or when someone is online too much. That hurts a lot. Some people have been through a lot because others are doing negative to them.

People hurt me a lot in my past. In primary school and secondary school. They told me I had louse. I know it wasn’t true (my mother looked at my hair every month and there was nothing). So, they put a “fake siphon” in their hands and “spraying” in the air when I passed by. I didn’t say anything, because I thought it’ll go over, but my classmates didn’t listen when I asked to stop doing what they did. And continued during my primary school years.

During my secondary schoolyears classmates didn’t know anything about classical music (I play the violin) and at that time I wanted to go to the conservatory, but I wasn’t ready yet at that time I let go my dream). The Dutch word for the conservatory is ‘conservatorium’. They said I’m going to the crematory and I’ll be dead soon. The Dutch word for crematory is ‘crematorium’. It looks familiar with these two words. They bullied me with this through my secondary school career. They also took my books and hid them, so I couldn’t find it anymore. I gave so much energy to find it before I started with the lesson. At the moment my lesson started I was sad. I didn’t know what to do. I trusted one teacher. But when I did he told the bulliers and asked their story. The bulliers said — of course — hey didn’t do anything. They came to me and said I’m a lier. And why on earth are they telling me I’m lying about the fact what they did to me? I knew the truth and still they dear to tell me I’m lying. So, suddenly the teacher thought I was lying as well as my classmates. It felt like everyone was against me. Even the schoolteachers and -students. Every year there was a cultural event at school, like a talent show. I never gave up playing the violin.

Every year they talked through my musical performance (and not through the others), except the last year. Then they put on little lights in their hands. Why now? Do I have to believe hem jow? They told me they liked the slow music. After this show at school, they started bullying me again. My instinct was right not to trust them anymore. So, I was all alone, my whole schoolyears.

I didn’t stop playing the violin and I continued making the best music I can. Because I like it. I didn’t stop what I like to do.

Maybe it was my character, maybe it was my freckles. I don’t know. Sometimes I’m asking myself if I want to know why people hurt me. But on the other side, I ask if that gives me better energy or why I want to understand. I also need to learn to let go things that happened in the past. And after that, I became more insecure about who I am, what I want to become as a grown-up. I still don’t know. I know I love writing. I have a degree in journalism.

So, I can write, make radio programmes and do some TV. Now I work at the local radio station as a volunteer. I love to do making radio. I like writing for the local newspaper.

To get control of these emotions, I cry. A lot, to be honest. Most of the time I let nobody see my tears. But in the last few years, I think it is fine to show your vulnerability. I only do it with people I trust. Now I want to show you that it is ok to cry if something doesn’t go as wished or if you have been through a lot. These emotions are true and it is ok to show you’re sad. That’s called being strong.

Mother, wife. journalist, painting, violin. Giving my soul into writing. See my links: https://linktr.ee/alaurens

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